5 Cheap Mother's Day Presents To Honor Your Mom

IHi! I'm Jake!

What's up, motherlovers? Your mom brought you into this world. She either went through a bunch of pain or got cut open like a horror movie. Or she took the time to kidnap you. Then, she raised you and wiped the snot off your nose last week.  So your mom deserves the best Mother's Day present $20 or less can buy. 

If you're like me, you put off getting your mom a present and you need some ideas quick! Here are 5 Cheap Mother's Day Presents to Honor Your Mom:

Get your mom a pendant with your picture- because you are vain.  Put your naked baby picture on the left side.  On the right side, put your adult naked picture.  Now your mom can see the fruits of her labor!

Think how much fun your mom will have exercising her thighs. Just picture it. Nice.

Get your mom jacked up so when she talks to you on the phone, the conversation can end in a timely fashion. Less detail, more speed, mom!

For yelling at your dad- or Wal-Mart (which is probably where you got the megaphone). Next time you go to Wal-Mart to complain, buy a megaphone there and mega-complain!

Enough said. 

You love your mom. She didn't throw you in the trash. Buy her stuff.

Bye! I'm Jake!

Jake Sharon Cuss Meter

Hi!  I'm Jake!
Crap. I am about to have an awful consequence for all the times I have cussed.

I am trying not to use swear words.  As a stand-up comedian who has also had extensive customer service experience, I have used more swear words than most people.  Most customers are good people who know how to politely get what they want.  Some people are trash- like Donald Trump, but poor.  They make you want to speak only in grunts and profanities.  They should be called Cusstomers. Hey-o!

I am trying to improve myself. I am keeping  Since August 7, 2016, I have used apps made by IFTTT to keep track of the times I have cussed.  Every time the number of times I have cussed reaches the next 100, something bad happens.

5 Steps to Smell Better in the New Year

Greenville comedian Jake Sharon
Greenville cat Oprah Sharon
Hi!  I'm Jake!

Happy New Year, adults, children, and equestrians! Happy New Year, humans, aliens, zoo animals and office supply store employees!

Every year, we set resolutions on how we will better our lives. This next year, let's endeavour to better the lives of the people around us.

Below are five steps to smell better in the new year: