Hi! I'm Jake!
We have all laughed so hard at a comedy show that by the end of the show we are angry, shirtless, and sitting handcuffed in the comedy club's copier room. We have all been there.
BACK IN 2003, I WAS A DOOR GUY AT COMEDY WORKS
Back in 2003, I was a door guy at Comedy Works in Denver.Back in 2003, I was a door guy at Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. That meant I took tickets, helped people find their seats, took out the trash, and warned disruptive audience members when it was time for them to pipe down or we would kick them out. I didn't make much money, but I learned a lot about comedy. I had fun. Also, I got to meet Dave Chappelle, Joe Rogan, Lisa Lampanelli, and a bunch of other comedians who either have a big time tv show or who don't.
|Comedy Works, Denver, CO|
"Comedy Works is my favorite comedy club in the country." - jakeisfantastic.com
Also, one time, I was on the TV show Elimidate. I lost. The next week, the girl that Elimidated me came to a comedy show and watched me picking up trash in the showroom. That was humbling.
Also, one time, I took out the trash and forgot to wash my hands before shaking Kevin Pollak's hand. He was eating a sandwich. Kevin Pollak is famous. He was in Casino, A Few Good Men, and House Arrest.
Also, one time I watched a guy puke, leave the showroom, then come back and make out with his girlfriend. Both of them were drunk. You can tell they were drunk because he puked and she let him make out with her anyway.
Also, one time, I was real drunk at work because I also worked at Rock Bottom Brewery that day and I had some Molly's Titanic Brown Ale beers. The trick to being drunk at work is to stay busy and be real polite. Also, don't puke, soil yourself, sleep, or make out with your girlfriend. Those behaviors raise red flags.
The year was 2003.The night was dark and smoky. This was back when you could smoke inside. A giant bald man with lots of muscles was with his date. Let's call him Gary. Let's call his date Carrie. Gary and Carrie sound like a nice couple so far. I hope Gary and Carrie get married.
Right after the show, Gary started yelling.Gary was yelling at the couple who sat in front of Gary and Carrie. According to Gary, the couple in front of Gary and Carrie talked through the entire show. Gary had a reasonable complaint. Don't talk during the comedy show. Or, if you have to talk, whisper. Or, if that doesn't work for you because of some medical condition, like whisperia or alcoholism, please leave the showroom. Leave the showroom, make your super funny observation about how the same thing happened to you, or how bitches actually do be crazy, or how you should be the headliner because you are just so funny. Then quietly return to your seat and be quiet. You paid to see professionals do comedy. So did the people around you. Nobody paid to hear you interrupt the show.
Gary had a reasonable complaint.The table in front of him was loud and disrespectful. Usually the club staff catches stuff like that and politely warns the loud people to pipe down. If the club doesn't catch a disturbance,please feel free to tell them so they can give the loud couple a warning. That is the best way to handle it. That's not what happened though. Gary yells at the front couple. Let's give them names too. The front couple's names are Bernie and Bernice. Gary starts yelling at Bernie and Bernice. Below is what that conversation looked like:
BERNIE: "I was laughing. Are you saying I can't laugh?"
GARY: "You talked the whole time so my date and I couldn't enjoy the show. Talking and laughing are two separate things and if your mother taught you manners, social skills, or respect, you might know that, you diarrhea-chugging douche."
BERNIE: "blah blah blah. Defensive stuff about how it's ok to talk during a comedy show."
GARY: "fuck you."
CARRIE: (Carrie sobs as she looks down and away, ashamed to be part of this mess) : "Gary, this always happens when we go out. This always happens. Before she died, Mama warned me about you. Please. Let's just go home. This guy isn't worth it."
BERNICE: "What do you mean my husband isn't worth it? He is a car dealer. He sells Fiats. What does your husband do? Shut up."
Gary had an unreasonable response.I don't remember if that's what either party actually said. What I do remember is Gary threw a chair. Gary threw a chair. Shit got real. Shit went from talking to chair chucking. Then Gary and Bernie started fighting. As we tried to keep the squabblers apart, Gary pimp-slaps Wende Curtis, the owner of Comedy Works. Wende is a nice lady. You don't hit Wende. He almost hit Jerod, a 300 pound door guy who has his concealed carry permit and a backpack that has nunchakus and a taser. Jerod has those armpit holsters you see in the movies. He once let me use his AK47 for a photo shoot. Jerod has a python that can eat a child. You probably shouldn't aggravate Jerod. Do not slap Wende. Do not aggravate Jerod.
As our manager, Jeff, is yelling for us to retrieve our off-duty Denver Police captain, Captain Jim, Gary rips his own shirt off. Gary rips off his own shirt. Gary rips off his own shirt. One day, Gary bought that shirt. This day, Gary put that shirt on for date night then ripped it off after slapping a woman. The serendipitous part is the shirt was a "wife-beater."
Here comes the off duty police captain, Captain Jim.
Besides the fact that it is wrong to slap most women, here are three reasons why it is foolish to rip off your shirt during a public fight:
- Now Gary has to get a new shirt. Assuming date night is still going on, that means he has to shirtlessly escort his date out of the club, down the street, and past the bistro to his Subaru Brat II. People will be looking. Then they will get in his truck car where she will chew him out. Women don't like public embarrassment during date night. Trust me. She will chew him out all the way to Walmart where he will get his replacement No Fear tank top.
- It was December. Walking around downtown Denver during the winter is super fun when you don't have a shirt. Gary is going to be nipping hardcore. Ever get chewed out in your Subaru Brat II while you are nipping real hard? Not fun.
- Shirtless people stand out. This one is the most important. Remember playing basketball shirts and skins? You play shirts and skins so you know who is on whose team. Well the cop has his shirt on. If you rip yours off, you are on the other team! In a brawl, there is a lot of confusion. It is hard to tell who the bad guy is. But Gary made the Captain Jim's life way easier. "Hmmm. Who should I arrest? Oh yeah! The guy with no shirt!"
Then, Gary takes a swing at the cop!Smooth move, Gary! About half an hour earlier, Gary could say "Well, the other guy started it by talking during the show." Well, the other guy didn't attempt to assault a peace officer.
Don't talk during the show.
|House Arrest starring Kevin Pollak |
and Kyle Howard from Loveland, Colorado
Gary started the night impressing his date by bringing her to the best comedy club in the country, but he ended up shirtless and handcuffed in the Comedy Works copy room- sitting next to the most frustrating all-in-one fax-machine-printer I have ever used.
Bernie and Bernice snuck out during the chaos. They didn't even get in trouble. They are just buttholes.
Tip your wait staff.Do you know how hard it is to navigate narrow aisles and serve drinks and fried macaroni triangles - in the dark?
I miss Colorado.I miss my family. I miss mountains. I miss my Colorado friends. I miss Comedy Works. I miss El Nopalito over on Alameda.
Sorry I was drunk at work, Wende.
That was wrong. I know that now. I also knew that then. I won't do it again.
Sorry Mr. Kevin Pollak.If I ever shake your hand again, I will wash mine first. I still haven't seen House Arrest, but I will add it to my Netflix queue.
Bye! I'm Jake!