Full Bladder During a Super-Long Business Meeting!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I really have to pee.  Code Yellow!  It's an emergency!

I  have to be disciplined, though.  So, I am going to churn out this entire entry before going to the restroom.  

So, today, I'm writing about the negatives and positives of having a full bladder during a boring business meeting (I figured I'd start out the year with a really high-brow topic).

Having a full bladder at a business meeting is awful! You have to sit there listening to some guy blabber on and on about really important stuff. Business meetings always take forever too! They are typically extremely disorganized. Make an agenda and stick with it people! If most of the people don't need to discuss the little tidbit of information you are addressing, schedule a time to talk with the people who need to know about it later! I only have one thing at the top of my agenda! I have to pee!

The longer you take to talk about who has been eating all the snacks from the honor box "come on guys, the proceeds are supposed to go to charity. " the less I am going to be able to give a shit! I can give you a piss, but not a shit! I have no idea what you're talking about because all my concentration is going into concentrating my bladder's grip on the outhole.

The thing is, I can't leave the meeting either- without looking like a total slacker! 

"Jake's always leaving meetings for some reason! Apparently whatever he has to do is soooo important!"

Yes, not soiling myself is important! Yes, I did pee in advance, but you served coffee (which makes people pee) and this meeting took forever! Are you trying to torture me?

Have you ever had to pee so bad that when you finally get to the restroom it takes you a good minute just to unclench your muscles so anything will even come out? I have. It sucks!

Remember when you were a kid and you competed to see who could pee the furthest distance?  You'd stand as far away from the urinal as possible and arc your stream and hope for the best?  Well, when you build up enough pressure, you can play that game again! Revisit your glory days! How much fun will that be when the company CEO walks in and sees you pissing across the bathroom?

He probably has to pee real bad too.  Make it a competition!  Maybe you'll get a promotion!  Screw the meeting!  That's how real business is done: Pee competitions!  And that's why men make more money than women.

I  just peed after writing all the stuff from the POSITIVE section. I couldn't make it.  Sorry I let you down.

Bye!  I'm Jake!

Pee.S.  (Get it?  P.S. but with pee?) Anyway, check out this old gem of a comedy routine I did back in 2005.  Enjoy!