Tainted Lady Shirts!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

After comedy shows, I sometimes sell girly shirts.  Cause that's why I got into the business: ladies' fashion.  After my set, I was in Oklahoma City setting up my shirts when suddenly, I realized one of my shirts had all these red spots. Then I found another shirt with red spots! What the hell? Did a pen break?

I looked at my finger and realized I was bleeding!  Holy CRAP!  I know girls like bleeding every few weeks, but this was about to be a major problem.  This is a story of how I sold bloody merchandise to a bunch of ladies.

You can get the blood-free version of these sweet
"Don't look at my boobs, perv! Bye bye." shirts
at jakeisfantastic.com/store.html
Back in 2010, I wasn't headlining.  The headliner, Tim Homayoon was coming off stage in 3 minutes and I had to:

A. Clean the blood off of 2 of my shirts so maybe I could sell them
B. Get a band-aid so maybe I wouldn't bleed on everybody while I shook their hands!

The bar staff was busy. I asked for a band-aid and they told me to find Terri, one of the Loony Bin club owners.  But we had a sold out show and a really busy 2nd show.  So, Terri was busy.  The staff was pretty swamped too!

I took the bloody shirts to the bathroom & started nonchalantly washing them off. It looks bad when you are washing blood off your merchandise.  As the emcee for the week, Bill Parker pointed out, "It looks really bad when you are washing blood off a couple of pink, girly shirts."

Fictitious conversation:
Q: "What's going on Jake? Who's bloody girly shirt is that?"
A: "Doesn't matter!  She's behaving now!"

So I washed as much blood as possible out of the shirts. I think I got it all.  But the washed shirts were now sopping wet. The shirts were wet.  I can't sell wet shirts! I set them aside.

As I was rifling through my bag, I saw several more bloody shirts. Maybe I should quit rifling through my bag!  I was spreading the blood!

I went back to the bathroom and wrapped a paper towel around my hand.  That helped. I am an Eagle Scout so I know if you are bleeding, you have to put pressure on the wound and you have to wrap it up- so you don't put blood on everything you touch.

I sold a bunch of shirts (just the clean ones).  But people kept looking at my hand. I tried to play it all off. When people shook my hand, I gave them my left hand instead.  I told them they didn't want to touch my good hand. It was dirty. I have something about that in my act, so they believed me.  Of course, that joke is about a different body fluid....  Whatever. DNA is DNA!

So, Bill Parker, the emcee, finally came over and saved the day. He got a band-aid for me.  I left the table and put that on. I cleaned my wound in the bathroom and I band-aided myself.

Jake Sharon
wearing his Kick Ass Vest,
hanging out with Boise comedian
Aaron Sheehan
 at Liquid Laughs, Boise, ID
Meanwhile, a few more people tried to buy shirts. Tim Homayoon helped out and rifled through my bag for me.  He has bad vision so he couldn't find the right shirt sizes.

Also, he has bad vision so he didn't see that 5 more shirts still had blood on them!  Uh oh!  I didn't know that either!

I came out, made the sale.

These 2 nice ladies looked at the display model, the shirt I had on the table, and noticed a blotch of blood.  I denied it.  I told them it must be a pen that exploded.  They laughed and walked off.  Glad they thought it was funny.  I am not a good liar.

I ended up washing all the infected affected shirts back at the condo.  6 of them turned out okay. 1 of them looked like evidence.  So, I threw that one out!  The rest were all clean & they can be seen happily adorning the boobage of Oklahoma City ladies. :)

As a personal note to myself, I have a ton of pockets in my kick-ass vest. So, maybe I should start carrying some band-aids in there!

Bye!  I'm Jake!