from comedian Jake Sharon
Happy Valentine's! What a special, special day.
If you're unlike me, then you may have forgotten to get your loved one a special present to celebrate Valentine's Day! I got my lady some stuff, but if you need to get your lady or lord some stuff, here are 5 fantastic presents you can buy so your special person can feel special!
I love you.
1. Papa John's Heart Shaped Pizza.
|Papa Johns got some cheese |
-in your box!
There's more than one way to stuff your partner! Sometimes the present isn't just about the content. It's the presentation that matters. What better way to touch your special person's heart than by clogging their arteries with plaque and cholesterol. Give them a food coma so they have to let you do what they want to their greasy lethargic body!
Also, next Valentine's, Papa Johns should make a stuffed crust vagina pizza!
Sexy lines you can say to your partner:
"I'll be your meat lover!"
"See? You actually can put my sausage in your mouth!"
"You'll never have a broken heart again- probably because of that heart attack you are having right now. Honey? Honey? Can you hear me? Should I call 911?"
2. A Weight Watchers Subscription Plan
|A really stupid |
Weight Watchers graphic
A Weight Watchers Subscription Plan is the perfect Valentine's Day gift. It helps your partner lose the trim down so they can feel good about their own body. Plus, you won't cry anymore when they are on top.
More importantly, Weight Watchers prices are highest in January because everybody is trying to change themselves for their New Year's Resolutions. Weight Watchers gives massive discounts* in February because by this point, everybody has given up and is ready for their holiday chocolate. So you can get a good deal on your partner's gift! Save money and save your partner's life!
Sexy lines you can say to your partner:
"Lose the weight or lose ME!"
3. Trojan Magnum Gold Collection Large Size, 10 Count
4. TurboTax Investments And Real Estate Property
|TurboTax Investment & Rental Property:|
The Perfect Valentines Day Present!
The old drunk saying goes "Home is where you hang your heart." Well, with Turbo Tax Investments And Real Estate Property, you and your loved one can file your taxes while you write off your property deductions for homes that you rent to other people!
Sexy lines you can say to your partner:"Honey, I am renting out my heart to you. Don't write that off!"
"I ordered TurboTax Investments & Rental Property from Amazon.com using their 2-day shipping so you know your present will arrive in a timely fashion sometime next week when you are at work and I am looking at rental properties so we have something to write off. Now let me touch your privates."
5. The Gift Of Laughter
Women will tell you "The most important thing for a relationship is humour." Well said, women. Well, there is no better way to show your partner you have a sense of humour than by getting them comedian Jim Norton's comedy CD, Despicable. Jim Norton is an award-winning comedian featured on Sirius XM's whimsical The Opie & Anthony show. Jim tours across the country delighting couples and holding marriage counseling seminars.
Here are the romantic tracks you can find on Jim Norton's Comedy CD, "Despicable" :
|Jim Norton's Despicable|
The perfect Valentine's present!
- A Brief Hello
- An Important Relationship Lesson
- Gay Guys Rule
- One Scary Ass Fucking Black Guy
- The Bridge, Lol
- One Fat Ass Fucking Lady
- Fuck Florida
- Penguins Are Assholes
- Nice Baby!
- What Sex Is That Thing?
- Bombing Etiquette
- Bonding With People Sucks
- Women Tell Shitty Stories
- Poker Playing Dickheads
- John Edwards and Word Abbreviations
- Brief Chat With a Heckler
- I Wish I Fucked Jenna
- A Tender Moment With Larry Flynt
- A Hug From Kiss
- Meeting Laura Bush
- Britney's Vagina
- Heather Mills Is a Cunt On A Wheel
- Ron Jeremy's Giant Cock
- Eat My Asshole!
- Cum Burns.
- Shave That Fucking Thing!
- A Pile Of Pussy
Wow! imagine making love during that CD!
Buy some stuff so you can make love!