Hi! I'm Jake!
I DESERVE FREE COMEDY SHOWS
One of the many perks of being a comedian is I get to see most stand-up comedy shows for free, au gratin.* Being as I contribute to the entertainment industry, I feel I deserve those free shows. Employee discount!
I also deserve a bunch of other stuff.
I DESERVE FREE HOME ENTERTAINMENT
Because I am important, I feel I deserve free home entertainment too. Maybe I am living in my own moral universe. Maybe I am just justifying illegal behaviors. Maybe I am just awesome. I believe illegally downloading movies and improperly using my pals' Netflix accounts is perfectly fine. Of course, I don't do those things. But if I did, heck yeah! Netflix can come watch my show for free almost any night of the week! Shouldn't they extend me the same courtesy? Or how about those ilegal downloads? If I watch a movie at home instead of in the theater, my farts and bad manners stay at home instead of in the theater. I'm doing you a favor, Hollywood!
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE ARTIST?
Of course people against illegal downloads say "Well what about the artist? What if you were the artist? How would you feel if someone else illegally downloaded your movie and you didn't get paid?" Well, guess what? Shut up. The people who make the big bucks off movies and music are the big media conglomerates who own the rights to such things. Those are the guys screwing over all the artists. I'm just helping make sure they don't profit any extra off the artists. I'm the hero here!
Oh yeah: Louis C.K. owns the rights to his movies and whatnot. I won't rip him off. Everybody else, though: well, I don't rip you off either. I never illegally download anything.
I DESERVE CLEAN PANTS
Austin is about 89˚ right now. My former hometown, Denver, has snow, 32˚. My life is good. However, all this extra heat makes my pants sweaty. I deserve clean pants! Anybody want to take care of that? Just don't try to do anything sexual. My wife would be angry about that.
By the way, one of my favorite shows is PEEP SHOW. Check it out sometime. You deserve a good laugh.
Bye! I'm Jake!
* Note: "Au gratis" means "free." "Au gratin" refers to potatoes. Potatoes are basically free. So from now on, instead of using the phrase "au gratis," say "au gratin." Now you're a winner!
P.S. I realize this is pretty incoherent. So is barf, and they keep making that!