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| Greenville comedian Jake Sharon Greenville cat Oprah Sharon |
Happy New Year, adults, children, and equestrians! Happy New Year, humans, aliens, zoo animals and office supply store employees!
Every year, we set resolutions on how we will better our lives. This next year, let's endeavour to better the lives of the people around us.
Below are five steps to smell better in the new year:
Below are five steps to smell better in the new year:
1. BATHE.
A good rule of thumb is to bathe as frequently as you charge your phone. If you charge your phone every other day, bathe every other day. If you charge your phone daily, bathe daily. If you don't have a phone, don't worry about it. Please stay at home, away from people who bathe and use phones. |
| Institution Theater's Tom Booker taking a bath. |
2. DO NOT WEAR PATCHOULI AROUND MY WIFE.
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| "Patchouli is not a substitute for good hygiene" -Greenville comedian Jake Sharon's wife. |
However, my wife hates patchouli. She says most people who wear patchouli are trying to cover up their foul body odor. The mixture of panhandler body grime stench and the sweet scent of patchouli is not pleasant. The stench overpowers the scent. It's like febreezing a county fair outhouse. It's like the old lady in the elevator who uses too much perfume. It smells like blue hair dye and rubbing alcohol. you can taste it.
Patchouli, febreeze and old lady perfume are not substitutes for good hygiene. The stench always wins. My wife smells the stench, thinks it is patchouli, so I don't get to wear patchouli. You're ruining it for me. Get a job.
3. AVOID SPILLING LIQUIDS ON YOUR CLOTHES.
First off, a lot of stains smell bad. So if you spill on your clothes, your clothes will smell bad.
Secondly, even if your stain doesn't stink, people may perceive that it does stink. If people walk by a bad smell then see stains on your pants, they are going to blame you.
As a corollary, next time you flatulate super bad, stand near someone with a stain on their pants. Everyone will blame them. I totally did that to my friend Chuck one time. I was the stinky one, not him. But he had a stain, so it worked out.
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| "One way to smell better is to avoid spilling liquids on your clothes." -Greenville comedian Jake Sharon  |
4. WATCH WHAT YOU EAT.
Your body secretes liquid from your pores. You can choose if that is going to be a healthy sweet top-of-a-baby's-head smell or an aqueous funk. If you eat grains, fruit, honey, and cucumber water, your skin is going to remind people of the Elysian Fields. Your scent will make people remember the best parts of their childhood. People will imagine fresh baked gingersnaps on a frosty Christmas morning. Your scent will make people cry in a good way.If you digest a bunch of cheese, candy, garlic, pork rinds, carp, and coffee all day, your skin is going to sweat out a rancid gelatinous byproduct that could lubricate a squeaky door hinge. Your stench will remind people of the bad parts of their childhood. Dumpsters. Spoiled meat. That time the crowded movie theater didn't have air conditioning on a hot summer day and then a baby crapped his diaper. I hated that day. I nearly quit my job. Eat better so I don't have to think about that.
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| "If you eat stankin foods, don't fish for a compliment." Greenville comedian, Jake Sharon |
NOTE: Your diet can also make your skin a natural defense. For example, ingesting large quantities of garlic is a natural way to repel mosquitos. You'll stink real bad, but at least you won't be covered in itchy bumps like your mom.
5. DON'T BE DONALD TRUMP.
Donald Trump stinks. Don't be him.
Bye! I'm Jake!
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| America's next impeached president, Donald Trump. Seriously. What a stinky butthole! |
CONCLUSION:
Have a Happy New Year. Don't stink.Bye! I'm Jake!
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| "I farted!" -Greenville comedian Jake Sharon |
