Awesome Things That Will Happen Because of the Apocalypse!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

A lot of folks are bummed about the 2012 apocalypse.  Boo hoo.

Good news, though: every change has its upside.   Here are some things you can look forward to for when the apocalypse comes:
  • No more model/actor/comedians rounding out their resume by doing comedy. Thank God! When they're burning in hell, they can't waste comedians' stage time (and the audience's patience). 
  • All the plastic surgeons will be out of work. Maybe somebody will cut them instead.
  • All the free guns on the ground.
  • Free monkeys!  I want to get a monkey bodyguard entourage. After a quick visit to the zoo, now I can!
  • No more bad music on the radio all day!
  • Never having to watch political smear ads again. Plenty of lambs blood will be smeared all over so the Angel of Death knows whose houses to avoid, but there won't be any politics smeared anywhere.
  • Being able to break into any ice cream shop and eat as much ice cream as I want. 
  • Lots of uncompromised farting.  If you smell like you are dead, the zombies won't eat you.
  • No more social networking.  Seriously.  I am sick of this crap.  What a waste of time.  If you agree, follow me on twitter at
  • Out of necessity, everyone will have boobs. 
  • All the pretty melted buildings.
  • Actual acid rain.
  • The smell of burning hair.
  • Never having to wish happy birthdays on fakebook ever again. 
  • Appreciating every breath. 
  • A time when there are no more booty shaking rhymes.  Rappers will finally have something interesting to "get real" about.
  • Helping repopulate the world (after the apocalypse).  Anybody who needs to get knocked up, just let me know.  Of course, I am not going to raise your dumb brats.  I just make them.
  • People dripping out of the skyscraper windows.  That is going to look so cool!
  • Midgets taking over the forest.  Seriously.  Unless you want to get stabbed in the ankles, don't go in the forest.  They'll jump on you from their treehouses!
  • Eating butterflies for sustenance. Won't that be great to get rid of those useless parasites?
  • Free poop.
  • My girlfriend, Callie does not want poop.  She just wants your farts.  So please give her a fart next time you see her.
  • The apocalypse will bring an end to Social Security.  Who needs a number when you have a gun?
  • Out of necessity, everyone will have boobs.  Yep.  I put that one twice.
Feel free to comment and add to the list of Awesome Things that will Happen Because of the Apocalypse!

Also, if you're on twitter, please check out the #yayapocalypse hash tag- and follow me at ! Duh.

Bye! I'm Jake!