|The Badminton Bears poster|
is a work in progress.
Disney has made a lot of movies about misfit underdogs sports teams. They should just go ahead and release a movie called Those Quirky Underdog Losers That Won The Game or Bad News Duck Miracles Sandlot Misfits II or The Badminton Bears. Yeah, let's go with that: The Badminton Bears. This movie will be about badminton. The Badminton Bears movie will be about a ragtag band of quirky underdog losers that hate each other, suck at what they do, and join a team- which causes everything to work out okay.
THE BADMINTON BEARS WILL FEATURE THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERS:
- The chubby kid with a big personality and a big heart.
- The MacGyver-style gadgety Asian kid.*
- The normal kid/ leader.
- The burn-out chainsmoker kid who doesn't take crap from anybody besides his abusive alcoholic stepfather.
- Two twins who like getting into hijinks and pretending they are just one kid so they can go to just half their classes.
- The tom-boy who just grew her first boobs but is trying to pass off as a boy till she takes her hat off and makes out with the normal kid/leader. Hijinks ensue.
- An alcoholic coach who used to be a professional athlete, but because the judge wanted to teach him a lesson about drinking and driving, he is sentenced to coach some children. That's right: a judge forces a drunk to spend time with children. Drinking and driving doesn't mix, but drinking and children do.
- A single mother of one of the sucky teammates. This mother happens to be hot. Since she is damaged goods and since the alcoholic coach is damaged goods, they fall in love.
|*Dear Hollywood: The gadgety Asian kid archetype is kind of racist. |
Shame on you, you Goonies!
THE BADMINTON BEARS PLOT:
The Team Forms After The Alcoholic Coach Kills A Family of Caged Polar Bears
The alcoholic former athlete drives his car into a zoo and kills an extended family of bears. The bears had a family reunion on their favorite zoo rock. They were minding their own business, drinking Coca Cola when suddenly the alcoholic coach plowed right into their zoo cage and killed them all- even baby Judith Bear, the cuddly spunky bear cub who miraculously survived a risky childbirth procedure and was there celebrating her first birthday. In fact, that's why The Polar Bear family had their reunion to begin with: it was a miraculous birthday party. But now they are all dead.
The Judge, Judge Judith, adjudicates the alcoholic coach's DUI trial. Judge Judith is also a polar bear advocate. So she sentences the former athlete to coach some children, and name the team The Badminton Bears. Also, isn't it weird that both the bear and the judge have the same name? Judith is not a common name. Perhaps a plot twist will happen later because of this. Actually, turns out no.
The alcoholic coach then recruits some children to be on The Badminton Bears badminton team.
To get children to join The Badminton Bears, the alcoholic coach drunkenly goes door to door in a bad neighborhood. Because all the single parents in this neighborhood are also either out drinking, or at home drinking, they agree to let their children play for The Badminton Bears. One of the single drunk parents is also a Furry. Because she is a Furry, she agrees to be the mascot for The Badminton Bears. If you don't know what a Furry is, boy you are missing out. Ask your wife about what a Furry is. Or look on the internet.
The team forms and they don't get along. Because they have no sense of team, this latchkey band of ragtag misfits gets their asses kicked by opposing badminton teams every week. They get their asses kicked by their mom's boyfriend and they get their asses kicked by the opposing teams. All of these kids also smoke cigarettes.
The Badminton Bears Bond Together
After awhile, their constant beatings by the opposition (and their mom's boyfriends) turns these kids into friends. They have a common struggle. Suddenly, Frank Stallone's "Eye Of The Tiger" starts playing and the team starts trying. They may be getting a D in handwriting, but these ragamuffin losers are going to try to win a badminton game! That's bad ass- badminton ass!
That's when The Badminton Bears win their first game. To celebrate, one of the kid's moms surprises the alcoholic coach with some afternoon delight. Post coitus, the horny couple smokes some of her kids' cigarettes.
The Badminton Bears Make It To The New Jersey Badminton Championship!
The Badminton Bears are on a roll. In fact, they make it to the championship. Because they tried so hard and won three games in a row, the rules state they get to go to Utah for the New Jersey Badminton Championship. This is kind of weird because The Badminton Bears are based out of New Jersey and the championship game is in Utah. At least in Utah the streets are on a grid so people know how to get around town. Also, they don't have mafia. Whatever.
Time for Some Badminton News.
Turns out though, The Badminton Bears get an unexpected surprise when they get to Utah: they have to face off against some condescending rich kids that beat them once before. Oh no. Also, when I say "rich" in this scenario, I mean the rich kids live in homes, and not trailers. To The Badminton Bears, though, the evil kids are rich. The Badminton Bears live in trailers and the rich kids live in homes and only eat hot dogs when they are at baseball games. The Badminton Bears only eat hotdogs during special occasions like weddings, Christmas, and breakfast.
The day before the big game, the leader kid quits the team because he finds out all this time his alcoholic single mom has been boning the alcoholic coach. The mom and the coach are in love and the coach wants to adopt the leader kid because that kid is the only one that is really worth adopting. But the leader kid isn't having it. Also, he is mad because he finds out his mom is a Furry. Not everyone approves of Furries.
To make matters worse, as an intimidation tactic, the rich kids' butthole real estate developer dad/ coach decides to tear down The Badminton Bears' badminton court. That is bad news- badminton news! I already made that joke a couple times, but I am ok with that.
But then the quirky underdog alcoholic coach makes a bet: if the evil rich kids win the New Jersey badminton championship that takes place in Utah, The Badminton Bears' badminton court gets demolished. Also, the evil butthole real estate developer dad can have the alcoholic coach's Furry girlfriend for awhile. Also, Emilio Estevez will have to clean the evil butthole real estate developer dad's pool. On the other hand, if The Badminton Bears win, The Badminton Bears get to keep their court. Plus they get a free carton of cigarettes- per kid!
And That's When A Miracle Happens
It's the day of the big badminton game when suddenly there is an earthquake and everybody dies.
Then, after that, Emilio Esteves wakes up and realizes it is just a dream and he has to go to Anaheim to shoot Mighty Ducks 6.
If you write The Badminton Bears script and make a bunch of money off of it, give me some. Or I'll drive my Honda into your polar bear cage.
Bye! I'm Jake!
P.S. Below is Aaron LaFalce's business card. I found it in my wallet. According to the note I wrote on the back of this business card, I met him in Asheville, North Carolina. I totally do not remember that.
|I do not remember singer/songwriter Aaron LaFalce.|
That is why it is a good thing he gave me his business card.
Check him out and let me know if he is good.