99 Problems with Tron Legacy

Hi! I'm Jake!

I really can't stand Tron Legacy. It is the most worthless movie I saw this past year. In the real world, I got my hopes up- only to have them erased in cyberspace!

I am a geek, a big fan of the original Tron. So, I was super-excited to see this long-awaited sequel. My brothers crossed state borders to watch this movie with my dad and me- well, they were here for Christmas too- but the point is my dad took us to Tron Legacy. The only legacy it left behind is the disappointment in Disney that will last a lifetime. Boo! Disney! Boo!

The following entry is actually an excerpt from my previous entry, 99 Problems and the Lessons We Can Learn From Them. However, I think it is super important to re-iterate how badly Tron Legacy let us down. What an avalanche of garbage! Get a Clu, Disney! Try some substance with your flash, you moneyrakers!

"Had a typo earlier today. I meant to type Tron and I typed Crap." #Tron
Sun Jan 02 2011 11:49:59 (MST)

"The new Tron movie is lame. Do not pay to watch it. Pass it on!"
Sat Dec 25 2010 09:25:05 (MST)

"Tron Legacy was awful, just awful. It was worse than Star Wars 1-3."
Fri Dec 24 2010 20:35:08 (MST)

Tron Legacy, the most recent chapter in the Tron legacy, really sucked. How can you spend so much on special effects yet completely neglect the plot?

Here is what happened in Tron Legacy: First, we see that this kid's dad disappeared. Then the kid gets sucked into Tron's version of the Matrix. The computer programs give him a frisbee for his back then they make him fight some ninja-esque computer programs. Even though the boy is a typical American coucher/ vidiot, he beats the ninja-apps. While they were busy doing flips and kicks, he hit a bunch of them in the head with his frisbee.

While he is hanging out in the computer program city, he meets a guy who looks like his dad. Hang on. Turns out it is not his dad, just a computer program named Clu. Plot twist! Then the kid runs away. "You're not my dad!"

While the kid is being chased by lightcycle computer guys, a computer girl shows up and takes the kid to his real dad. Turns out the computer chick is his dad's girlfriend. They all eat dinner together at the dad's hideout. The girl tells the kid that the only way he and his dad can escape is if he sees this other computer program who is back in the computer city. Then the kid runs away again.

The kid goes to see the computer program guy the computer girl had told him about . Turns out that guy wasn't helpful at all! Another plot twist! All that computer program did was dance! So did his friends! That is not what the boy needed at all! He is a geek. At dances, he sits on the side and wonders when they will be over! Maybe he will have some more punch.

The computer girl and the kid's dad show up. The bad computer program steals the dad's back frisbee. Uh oh. Clu can use that frisbee to get out of the Tron Matrix.

Also, during all of this, the dad laments the fall of his old friend, Tron, the namesake of the movie. Tron died at the beginning of the movie. But wait! When the kid, his dad, and computer chick are chasing Clu and the dancing guy, this other bad guy shows up. He is red. The good guys are white. The bad guys are red- just like in real life. Wait. What?

Anyway, the red bad guy has 2 frisbees- just like Tron used to have. Oh, hang on! It is Tron! Clu had simply re-programmed him! Another plot twist! Whoa, Disney!

Eventually the dad catches up with Clu and we see the following flash-back:

Jeff Bridges: "Hi. Clu. How are you?"
Clu: "Doing well, Jeff Bridges. And you?"
Jeff Bridges: "Let's create the perfect universe inside this computer."
Clu: "Okay. Sounds fun."
Jeff Bridges: "Wait a second. I see some computer programs that created themselves. Let's hang out with them."
Clu: "That's not the plan. Actually, I am going to kill every last one of those guys. Done."
Jeff Bridges: "Then I will run to the computer mountains."
Clu: "You betrayed me."
Jeff Bridges: "No, Disney betrayed you. It's 2010. Look how little they spent on your computer animation. You look like crap. In fact, I will die to save the movie."
The Movie: "The End."

Well, that's Tron in a nutshell. If you haven't watched the movie yet, you don't need to. If you have, demand a refund or at least spread the word. Tron is crap!

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. To read more of my tweets, check out twitter.com/jakeisfantastic

Bye! I'm Jake again!