Stupid Crap Dang Flying SOB Flight Arrgh

Hi! I'm Jake!

I learned a HUGE lesson today: you can not count on the airlines to get you to your gig on time. I am sitting in Baltimore-Washington International. I just ate a sandwich- first time I have eaten all day! I am cranky and a little pissed off.

This is my first time working the Hartford Funnybone. If their first impression of me is based solely on whether or not I can fly to the show on time, this might also be the last time I work for them. Best case scenario, I'll show up 30 minutes late for work. Worst case scenario, I miss my set and look like a jerk. Fantastic.

Actually, the worst case scenario is:
  • I show up super late and miss my set.
  • The zombie apocalypse starts and kills everybody- including the people who write my check
  • Jesus and his army of angels start yelling at me "We're disappointed in you!"
  • Satan says "That's what you get for stealing Mike's glassed in 7th grade! Why didn't you return the glasses and/or apologize? You really should have taken care of this by now!"
  • Buddha eats all my Southwest Airlines peanuts- then chokes because he just found out he is now allergic to peanuts.
  • I try to help Buddha but I also go into anaphylactic shock. I guess I am allergic to peanuts now too.
  • Then I pee my pants in front of everybody.
Last night, I got done packing at 1:00 a.m. I set my alarm for 5:45 a.m. Almost immediately, I fell asleep. Super Shuttle picked me up and dropped me off at Austin Bergstrom International by 7:00 a.m. My flight wasn't supposed to leave till 8:40. I had plenty of time.

Over the course of the next 2 hours, we found out the plane we were supposed to take to Atlanta then Baltimore had mechanical problems. They subbed out the plane. Then, the new plane had mechanical problems. Get your shit together, Southwest! Quit getting your plane parts from Craiglist!

I asked the customer service rep if I was going to make my connections from Atlanta to Baltimore to Hartford. She said there was no problem- but if there was a problem, my stewardess would let me know.

  • leave Austin at 8:40 
  • get into Baltimore by 2:15
  • get on the flight to Hartford at 3:15
  • land at 4:15
  • then chill at the hotel till showtime. 
  • Have a super fun show.
  • We left Austin at 9:45.
  • We got to Baltimore at 3:25.
  • I ran to my gate to Hartford from 3:26- 3:28.
  • At 3:29, I talked to the pilot of my flight and he said they already gave my seat away. I could see the plane right there! the plane was here. I was here. Everybody needed for the transaction was here. But they said maybe I could get on the next flight.
  • I talked to the gate agent- and after 5 minutes of convincing her I needed to be on the next plane, she put me on the 5:40 plane which would actually leave at 6:25 and arrive in Hartford at 7:35.
  • My show starts at 7:30. The airport is 30 minutes from the club. Unless God Himself comes down and yanks the plane over to Hartford, I am pretty much screwed.
  • So, I just ate a sandwich. Life feels better after a son of a crap sandwich!
In my other blog "3 Things I Am Thankful For," I wrote about how thankful I am for Southwest Airlines. At this moment, though, I am feeling a bit let down. I have been up since before 6am and I am still going to miss work. So, please, do me a favor and fix your planes before my flight, please!

I guess the most important thing I learned today is the next time I fly, I will do my best to come in a day early. Then, even if I have a long, crappy travel day, I'll at least make the gig. Nine times out of ten, you make the gig on time- maybe even ninety-nine times out of a hundred. This time, well, I hope Buddha- or whoever is responsible- chokes on some peanuts

Bye! I'm Jake!