Nobody Wants To Hear About Your Plunger Winnings.

Hi!  I'm Jake!
Nobody wants to hear you
talk about yourself all day.
Today, I got up early.  Had 3 cups of coffee.  That was stupid. My personality takes a hit whenever I overdo stuff.

Then I watched a friend cut a client's hair.  During the haircut, I watched/ talked a lot about myself.  That probably marred the hair client's experience.  How are they supposed to feel special if I am gabbing about me the whole time?  I'm just some hairy dude who loves Dunkin Donuts and refuses to wear shoes until showtime.

After disturbing the serene vibe of the hairstyling time, I stealthily looked around my host's house for a plunger.  I was staying at a friend's house for three days- and the toilet had been blocked up for two of them.  It was time to fix stuff.  I had been using this little mini-plunger, but it hadn't been doing shit.  The mini plunger handle was almost completely submersed in the toilet's frothy, papery, yellow depths.  Little splashback drips beaded on my hand.  This tiny plunger wasn't working.  Honestly, how could it?  The rubber part of it was smaller than the hole in the bottom of the toilet. There was no way to make a seal.  What was this tiny plunger even for?  Training toilets?  High-tech bed pans?  I tell you one thing: it wasn't for a big boy toilet.  It was too small.  If this cute little plunger had a unicycle, it could join the circus.  It was a freak!

Crap. If you are regularly completing only 20% of your
to do list, your plans are unrealistic, you're lazy,
or you're bad with time management.
So, I stealthily looked around the house for a second plunger.  Then, in the third bathroom, behind a whole bunch of stuff I don't understand, I found the beast plunger.  This thing was enormous.  It could plunge a sinkhole.  I went upstairs, plunged the crap out of the toilet, then took a break.  My to-do list was 20% complete.

Skip ahead way far in the future, to tonight.  I performed stand-up at a casino.  Then I realized all the promo I made (my poster, my website calendar, my tweets and my facebook statuses), all had the wrong name of the casino.  Oops.

They fed us lobster, crab, prime rib, chocolate fondue and more at their buffet.

The show was fun.  I am not going to say more about it than that. It's a secret.

My friend Brent Gill then spent $20 on candy and ice cream.  Not even kidding.  He is going to die-a-betes.

I sold a couple of my new "What's up, Bruncle?" shirts.  They are on sale for $10 until September 30th. then, they go up to $20.  Here's a goofy ass picture:
Jake's dead eyes.
Also, get yourself a Bruncle here:

If you forget to buy sliced cheese,
sometimes in life,you have
to forgive yourself.
After the show, I signed up for the casino's rewards program and they gave me $5 with which to play.  I played with the $5.  The money went down to 40 cents, then back up to $7, then back down to $5.  That's where I stopped playing.  I was starting to get the dead eyes.  Sometimes, when I am up for too long, I get in this zone where my eyes look kind of deadish and I can suddenly predict the future. I predict you'll look at the above picture and decide you need a Bruncle shirt right the f now!

I wish I had packed some cheese for this gig.  I really like cheese. Instead, I ate greek yogurt alone in my hotel room. My hotel room doesn't have spoons, so I had to use two coffee stir sticks as yogurt-scooping chopsticks.

I'm Jake!