YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH:
Last night, I told jokes at a comedy club in a town. One way comedians supplement their income is by selling merchandise (t-shirts, CDs, DVDs, mugs, bayonets, fingers). After a pretty good show, I was selling t-shirts. The shirts I was selling last night look like this:
I sold a few shirts. Honestly, I am just trying to get rid of all of my shirts. I like them. I think they are pretty funny! However, carrying around shirts all the time is not beneficial for my umbilical hernia. My protrusion looks like somebody microwaved a nipple.
INTRODUCE SHORT HAIRS, ROLY POLY
During the show, a short-haired lady laughed the whole time. She was great. She is cool. Short Hairs sat next to what I assume was her girlfriend, a roly-poly lady with a 400-pound frown.
After the show, Short Hairs wanted to buy one of my shirts. Cool! Thanks for supporting the cause!
Roly Poly grabbed the shirt out of Short Hairs's hands, looked at the rooster on the shirt and condescendingly said "I'm not going to buy this for you. This is not appropriate to wear in public."
Short Hairs looked down at the ground and frowned, sadly.
Short Hairs pleaded "Well, I don't even have to wear it in public."
Roly Poly fed her girlfriend some parental untruths: "Well, maybe I will get it for you for your birthday."
Upon hearing that, Short Hairs perked up "Well, my birthday is next week!"
Then, Short Hairs looked down at the ground and frowned again- probably because she had the same thought I did: "how the crap is Roly Poly going to get this shirt in time for Short Hairs's birthday next week? The shirt isn't on my website! So is Roly Poly going to call me or something? I definitely didn't give her my number. Plus, even if the shirt was on my website, shipping takes time! Considering how disorganized I am, shipping, handling, and eating snacks then finally mailing the shirt takes at least a week! Plus, shipping costs extra money! So, why not buy it now? Save time and money!
Also, if the shirt is inappropriate today, why would it suddenly be appropriate on her birthday?
Also, are you two dating or what? Why are you bossing her around about t-shirts she can and can't wear in public? Who gives a crap? Does Short Hairs tell you how to cram your body into that car-cover-style moo moo?
Lastly, I thought you people were supposed to be into equality! Straight chicks wear that shirt all the time! Why can't your girlfriend wear that shirt? Cause she is a lesbian? Not cool, you racist!"
As soon as those ladies went around the corner to use the men's room, I started laughing- because I realized the reason Roly Poly wouldn't let Short Hairs have the shirt. It had nothing to do with the pictures of shoes, jewelry, guns, or a rooster. It's because during the show, I made a joke about this morbidly obese girl I used to date who got bit by all my bed bugs. During that whole bit, Roly Poly had a frown! Roly Poly empathized with the wrong character in that story! I'm the one who had bed bugs and a bi-polar, morbidly obese girl in my apartment!
My only regret is that I didn't give Short-Hairs the shirt for FREE- just to spite Roly Poly! It would have been worth it. Happy Birthday! My present to you is intentionally aggravating your relationship problems!
Bye! I'm Jake!
UPDATE: I AM SORRY!
It's not right to make fun of people because of their size. That is a stupid thing for me to criticize. The real issue here is that one person was controlling another person by denying them a smidgen of happiness . That's not what love is.
Awhile back, Callie and I went to a country concert. I don't like country. Country sucks. But I went to the concert, danced, had as much fun as possible, then even bought Callie one of the country guy's CDs! I bought a country CD! I didn't do this because I like country or even support the idea of country music. To me, country music is turtle crap! I bought the CD and had fun with my wife at the concert because I love my wife. I just want her to be happy.
So, Roly Poly, I am sorry for making fun of your weight. That was wrong of me. Instead, I should have just given Short Hairs a shirt to set a good example and/or to drive a wedge in your unhealthy relationship.