Gerry's Doughnut Shop- a short story by Jake Sharon 07.21.2010

Gerry Stanfield was a fat man. He ran a popular doughnut shop. He made extra money on the side by selling the fat from his regular liposuction surgeries. Sometimes, when he was short on lipo sauce, he ate extra doughnuts to store fat for next time. Gerry always had enough fat to sell.

Because Gerry's weight kept fluctuating, he began having serious health problems. He became diabetic and he basically invented a new type of bulimia.

Plus, his wife became suspicious about the source of the extra income. Beatrice would have never sanctioned Gerry's blatant risk of his health just for a few extra lipo bucks. Her suspicions added to his stress. His stress exacerbated his health problems. Gerry's malnutrition and stress often caused him to faint. One time, he hit his head on the doughnut store cash register. While he was passed out, some hooligans seized the opportunity to steal $232 from the till.

Gerry was willing to risk his wife's suspicion, the stress, and even the health problems. What he wasn't willing to risk was money.

"That does it," he yelled at the first person who walked in the door after he woke up from his fainting spell, "Someone took my money and I am going to take a pound of lipo for every dollar they stole. Jerks!"

Fortunately, the thieves were not professional thieves. They didn't have the foresight to remove the vhs tape from the outdated security system. Gerry got a good look at their faces. He knew the hooligans. What's more is he knew that they were fat.

So, Gerry loaded up his wood-paneled station wagon. He threw in a bunch of rusty kitchen knives, and containers full of hot doughnut grease. He made his way to Rusty and Ryan Springer's house and knocked forcefully on the door- with his car.

"I am coming in there, you taintlicks! Unless you give me back my money, I am going to grease your doughnuts," Gerry asserted vehemently.

Rusty yelled back, "That's our neighbor, Mrs. Field's house. That's 1231 Bristlecone Place. We live over here at 1221 Bristlecone Place."

"Oops. Sorry about that, Mrs. Field," Gerry apologized.

"No problem. The postal carrier gets the two addresses mixed up all the time. Well, I'll let you get back to business. It sure is a nice day," Mrs. Field replied cheerily. She realized people make mistakes all the time.

Rusty yelled back "Yeah, it is a nice day. I hope the ice cream sandwich guy comes." Mrs. Field agreed. Ice cream is delicious- even if it does cause her to fart uncontrollably. Then she died. She was old.

Gerry took his car and rammed 1221 Bristlecone Place- like he should have in the first place. Rusty and Ryan yelled out "Hey. Stop that! We don't like it!"

But Gerry rammed the house again. He rammed the house so hard the wood paneling fell off the station wagon's sides. Then, Rusty and Ryan fell out the house windows.

Unfortunately, Rusty and Ryan had spent all the doughnut store money. Fortunately, however, Rusty and Ryan were still fat. Gerry had cutting tools on hand so he was able to extract their lipo sauce. He actually took too much. He took $732 worth of lipo sauce from their fat bodies. Gerry rationalized that the extra $500 worth of lipo would take care of the damage to his car. He called the extra $500 shipping and handling. Ramming a house with a 1976 wagon is a lot to handle.

Rusty and Ryan were now skinny. They were happy. Stealing the money in exchange for a cheap liposuction operation was their plan all along. Now that they were skinny, they could eat all the doughnuts they wanted- guilt free. They became regular customers at Gerry's doughnut shop.

Gerry was happy too. The car he wrecked was his wife's. He and Beatrice did not get along. Wrecking her car was good for a laugh. It satisfied him immensely. Plus, with all the money he got from selling Rusty and Ryan's body fat, added to the money from the doughnut store and all the sales of his own body fat, he had enough to get his own apartment. Finally, he could leave that lady once and for all!

The moral of this story is liposuction solves everything and vehicular manslaughter solves everything else.

Huh. Maybe he should have just hit Beatrice with the car. That would have saved a lot of time and money. Plus, he could have kept their house and avoided all those health problems. The new moral of this story is people who get liposuction are stupid.