Crusties and pasties

Hi! I'm Jake!

I woke up today with crusties on my eyes. That's because I over-use my disposable contacts. They are supposed to last 2 weeks. This particular pair has been in my eyes for about 3 months. I can't afford new contacts. I can afford eye boogers, though, so that's what I stocked up on.

I just ended my sentence with a preposition. I can't even afford good English.

I wiped out most of the crusties, but now I have this floating glob of eye snot that keeps hiding under my lower eyelid. When I put my finger in there, it hurts. My eyes are all red now. People always think I am stoned. Nope. I don't do drugs. I just over-use my contacts.

Note: spell-check keeps highlighting crusties as if it is spelled wrong. So, I looked it up at Merriam Webster's website. "Crusties" isn't there. However, "pasties" is. If "pasty" becomes "pasties," then "crusty" must become "crusties." Ask your mom which she has more of, crusties or pasties. If she doesn't answer, use one of your siblings to distract her while you check in her drawers. If you don't have siblings, that's because:
  • Your parents decided after you were born that it's best not to have any more of you.

  • Your mom or dad became sterile after you were born. Maybe their bodies realized you were a mistake.

  • Your parents have always been sterile, so you were adopted- and they just didn't tell you. Maybe your biological parents are psycho.

  • Whilst in the womb, you murdered your twin. Your mom was mad at you so she decided to punish you.

  • Your siblings were sold on the black market.

  • You were the result of a one-night stand.

My eye-boogers are done now. I got the last one when I was deciding what is wrong with you.
Bye! I'm Jake!