Half a comedy show I wasn't on, half a movie I wasn't in.

Hi! I'm Jake!

For some reason, I can sit and watch movies for hours, but sitting through an entire comedy show I am not performing in no matter how good it is is like trying to read a really long, run-on sentence how are you?

Last night, the Denver Improv Comedy Club had their irregularly scheduled Future Legends of Comedy amateur comedy show. It usually happens once every other month or so on a random day. I usually find out about it when someone says "Are you performing at the Improv tonight?" Then I usually say "No. I didn't even know they were doing that tonight. Huh."

The show started at 7:30 p.m. At 6:00 p.m., I started watching Spartan, a David Mamet movie about the sex-trafficking trade. Boy! Those sex-traffickers sure work long days! It was really suspenseful because Val Kilmer was actually doing a good job acting. I had never seen that before. I was suspended!

I couldn't finish the movie, though. I had to run. Sometimes, people don't show up for their sets at comedy clubs so you can take their spot. My roommate Bert Catcher and I left the house at 6:52. The check-in time for the show was 7:00. It was at least a 20-minute drive. Whoops.

We got to the Improv at 7:10. Tam Bam Nostriln, the show's coordinator had just given out the last spot to Robert Neitherquist. Bummer.

I haven't been on that stage since the Easter show. At the time, I looked like Jesus, so they had me emcee the show. I was exhausted when I did that show. I had just driven back from Medford, Oregon over night. I hadn't slept in 40 hours. Before doing the show, I screwed up making a peanut butter sandwich. At the show, I screwed up introducing Mark Lee, a friend of over 7 years. I said "Your next comedian is really funny. Please welcome Mark...my friend!" Here's a video detailing the drive that preceded that show.

So anyway, Bert and I watched the show at the Improv last night. On our way in, three of the staff recognized me- barely. I drastically transformed my appearance (not a sex change) about 3 weeks ago and I am still running into people who haven't seen me yet. Here's a video called "Things You Can Do With a Jesus Haircut."

The show was about to start. I sat in my seat. Normally, when I am at a comedy show, I am getting ready for my set. Anticipation and adrenaline coarse through my arteries. So, like a Pavlovian dog, I started getting restless when the bell rang/ when the show started. I got really fidgety. I get uncomfortable just thinking about sitting for 90-minutes.

Tam Bam Nostriln emceed. She did 7 funny minutes. She got the crowd off to a great start. I started grinding my teeth. My joints ached. Tam asked the crowd if anybody was a vegetarian. Someone booed. Weird response. Tam had a great joke about Bristol Palin's appearance on Dancing With The Stars, a garbage reality show that morons like to watch. Tam said about Bristol "She can't move at all! I just wonder how she even got pregnant," she mused. That got a huge laugh. Tam has really dry humor. I wonder what wet humor looks like.

Enter Sam Skills, the first guest of the night. He had a great set. Right off the bat, he addressed a heckler. "Now you're in for it, pal! I like a chatty lover. Let's go," he mused. Sam has an improv background. He is a very improvisational, physical comedian with killer writing. In his 5-minute set, he touched upon molestation, rape whistles, and other stuff. Wow. I can't remember what else he talked about. Oh yeah: Sam had trouble with the mic stand. He couldn't loosen it to raise it up to his hulking height. "This thing is tighter than a 12-year-old," he mused.

Sam had great response during his entire set. Then, part way through one of his jokes, the lights went black. He had gone over his time. Tam comes back out and warned that if comics go over their time, the lights would go out. Thanks for the warning, Tam. I think we figured it out. Smiley face.

Next, the audience suffered through a catastrophe. To all you aspiring comedians out there, I recommend that you do not, under any circumstance, open with an abortion joke. Doug Grizzlied's set spiraled out of control the moment he opened his mouth. He had some convoluted, drawn-out joke comparing Denver Bronco Tim Tebow to abortions. "You guys don't like abortion jokes. Don't matter to me," he mused. Good saver line. For the rest of his set, the crowd was indifferent.

Now, one thing that comedy clubs often do to help people stay within their time is they have a person flash a light at a comedian when their time is almost up. You should have seen the audio booth guy in the back of the room during Doug's set. He waved his flashlight around like crazy. Doug kept starting new jokes that people did not want to hear. He went over his time. He got blacked out too. Everyone was uncomfortable at the beginning of his set. Everyone was uncomfortable at the end of his set. At least he was consistent.

Lara Miles redeemed the show with her set. She compared bathroom graffiti to archetypical girls. She pointed out how she looked like Velma from Scooby Doo, a popular 1980s children's cartoon that they keep revamping despite the fact that most of the original voice cast is dead. Complete with nerd glasses, the bob haircut, and a mini-skirt that went from her knees to her neck, Lara he truly did look like Velma. "Could I solve a mystery? Yes. Could I seduce you? Probably not," she mused.

Lara also went over her time. She got blacked out too. Unlike Doug, it was because she was getting laughs. During her blackout, she received thunderous applause.

Jeffy Sharter, organizer of the now-defunct Old Chicago's open mic, took the stage. The club brought him onstage to black guy music. The bass was thumping and jiving. Jeffy held the mic with both hands. He cupped the part that connects the mic to the mic cable. Very intimate. He had a great set, one of the best ones I have ever seen him have. He got blacked out right as he was saying goodbye. Kind of good timing. Check him out Monday at the Nobody Likes Me comedy contest hosted by Jack Susan.

Byron Tabula Rasa went up next. Normally he wears a hat and looks like a Jewish wigger. Today, he went hat-less. He was self conscious. I could see why. His gomer hair was a matted down bowl cut. It looks like Ralph Wiggums, a character from the formerly popular, now extremely redundant cartoon, The Simpsons. His hair looked like a wet cat lazily limping over the side of the couch. He talked about growing up hurting other kids. He was the first comedian of the night that didn't go over his time.

Kris Sharpeemarker had a hilarious set. He sometimes wears a hat too. Last night, he did not. Good choice for him. When he talked, his hair lurched forward like a loose toupee. It really accented his high-energy comedy. He is one of the best up-and-coming comedians in Denver. He recently took 2nd in the Comedy Works competition.

Also, I noticed Kris has a weird growth on his left jaw. Is it a goiter? Check it out the next time he is on stage. Let me know what you think it is. If it's a goiter, that is really weird. Goiters are pretty much obsolete- except at nursing homes. I heard goiters are the reason why we eat iodized salt. Eat some salt Kris! Kris also stayed within his time.

Lastly, I watched Alice Jakes. She began her set berating the audience guy who was talking on his phone. They booed at him. "I like to start my sets with a boo" she mused. She had a floral shirt. It looked very home-maker-y. I started zoning out. It wasn't her fault. She had a great set. I just started thinking about Spartan.

Alice Jakes stuck to her time. She left during an applause break and didn't get blacked out. By the way, Alice Jakes has a dark secret that I can't tell you about.

Robert Neitherquist had a good set too. He looks effeminate. More comedians went on, but I left after Robert's set. I'm done writing now.

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S. I went home and finished Spartan. I seriously didn't know Val Kilmer could act... Check out Batman and Robin to see why I was so surprised.