Comedy 3-way goes awry. Recap of the Nobody Likes Me Contest Round 2.

Hi! I'm Jake!

Tonight's Nobody Likes Me Comedy Contest was frickin brilliant!

Before, the show, I sent out a facebook update/ twitter tweet that confused some people. "No. I can't believe Greg Giraldo is dead! Come down to Sutra at 8pm.11th & Lincoln. Comedy and a free drink. U pick the loser!" A lot of people said "classless" and "boooo" and "Is he really dead?"

Whoa whoa whoa. Everybody chill out. I did not say Greg Giraldo is dead. All I said is that I *can't believe* he is dead. As far as I know he is still alive. So be cool everybody. Put down the cocaine.


On to the show: A decent portion of the crowd was over 60-years-old. Everybody at the show got a free drink with the price of admission. One old guy, a total card, kept trying to get extra drink tokens. He was crafty.

I started my set off by explaining how much of a jerk I am. I told them I shoplift. I asked "by round of applause, who shoplifts?" I recognized Kyle Logan's clap. I said a lot of people recognize his clap. Ladies. It's all over his moustache. I also told the crowd a couple racist jokes that turned out to not be racist after all.

I don't remember what else I said. I also missed a lot of what the contestants were saying because my business partner and I had to figure out a bunch of stuff. We solved polio, a rubik's cube, and the sphinx riddle.

Since I missed what the comics said, here are some of the things audience members wrote on the back of the contestant's ballots.

Jill Gassy- a mid 30s divorcee on the prowl.

Audience comments:
• "Dry comedy. Religion joke was unfunny."
  
• "Vibrator joke."
  
• "Jill is pretty good, but I would give her a 5."
  
• "Sweet and spicy."
  
• "Jill ok. Not bad. She gets a 4."
  

Kris Binglinger- a former southern redneck turned Colorado short person.

Audience comments:
• "Kris is pretty bad. He's a 3."
  
• "Kris B expects to get last."
  
• "Kris, you made the guy in the blue oxford smile!"
  
• "Not funny."
  

Gordon Smuckerjam- a fat, loudmouthed white guy who appears to be from the hood but is not from the hood.

Audience comments:
• "Proud that Smuckerjam quit the pot."
  
• "Hahaha."
  
• "Hillarious." Note to whomever filled out this ballot: hilarious is not spelled "Hillarious."
  

Chuey Baca- a Wookie from the planet Mexico. Also, a college professor.

Audience comments:
• "I hate the 'high as f#*k' joke!"
  
• "Chuey is the BEST- he's the winner."
  
• "De-virginized 2 days ago."
  

Kyle Logan- a young, balding short guy with a moustache-full of clap.

Audience comments:
• "W-O-W Go Logan!"
  
• "Sorry Kyle."
  
• "Huh?"
  
• "Pathetic" Note: this one was written with really bad handwriting.
  
• "Kyle is short."
  
• This is my own point of view: someone from the audience had said something to Kyle so he disconnected the microphone, took it over to her, and said something like "You're funny so you take it." Then he did most of the rest of his set standing over by this lady who didn't even yell out the remark in question. It was awkward for that table. Some of the crowd, especially the old people on the other side of the showroom, could not hear what was going on.
  

Mark Falconer- a short round dude that looks like a King of the Hill cartoon character. Has spent some significant scrilla on comedy Boot Camp.

Audience comments:
• "Mark Falconer killed it."
  
• "Extra points for Special Olympics." Note: not sure what this comment meant.
  
• "He's pretty darn bad…hmmm…"
  
• "Ummm? Just die already."
  
• "This guys is maybe worse than Kris Binglinger."
  

Kris Sharpeemarker- funny little moustache aficionado!

Audience comments:
• "Punched Grandma"
  
• "Funny"
  
• "Kris is okay."
  
• "Kris S. Smell it!"
  

Byron Tabula Rasa- Like a silly, skinny version Gordon Smuckerjam (without the songs and impressions). Basically, I am saying he is also a wigger. High energy, off-the-wall. Brought his mom to the show.

Audience comments:
• "Ok."
  
• "Funny."
  
• "Has sex in Montana."
  
• I'm not sure what any of these reviews meant so I will say this: I have known Byron a little bit. This was a really coherent set with a bunch of energy. He was obviously having a really good time and it seemed everybody else was too.
  

Tony Scotown- Drove all the way down from Cheyenne. I think he had Lasik or something recently because he looked different. Also, he brought a lot of old people. Cool.

Audience comments:
• "Out of state" Note: this review is pretty self-explanatory. He does not live here in Colorado.
  
• "Brought poetry." Note: say what?
  
• "Josh" Note: I am pretty sure this is not a good review. It wasn't even the right name and there is no judgment here whatsoever. The only Josh I know has palsy. Are you saying Tony has palsy? Weirdo.
  

So, some of those reviews weren't very coherent. Not sure what to do about that. I did feel bad because I gave everybody special intros and then I gave Kris Sharpeemarker a standard "this is your next contestant/ here's contestant #7" intro. Sorry Kris! I meant to say special things but I got a little sidetracked by some of the things happening out side the showroom. Step into my office because I am frickin fired!

Local comedy legend Trey Baxter headlined. He rocked it. The old people portion of the crowd had ordered a pizza from Benni Blanca. I am not sure if that is spelled right. It is probably better if it is not because I don't want to get sued. Anyway, Benni Blanca forgot to add sausage to the old people's pizza. Troy said "I'll call them right now!" He said he could get them "a corona bucket full of sausage." That would be cool.

Results:
We had a tie for 1st place. The cash prize raised from the contestant's entry fees was $45. The two comics had to split it. Since one of them was going to get a dollar more than the other, I made Gordon Smuckerjam and Tony Scotown do a joke-off. Joke-offs suck - especially when the results are decided by the audience's round of applause! That is a such a stupid way to judge a contest! Usually lame contests make their contestants do a joke-off because they don't have a built-in contingency plan to handle ties. Ties happen all the time idiots! Why don't you have a plan? I didn't have a plan so I did a joke-off too.

Another difference between my joke-off and the standard joke-off is normally the result of the joke-off is a broken tie that results in only one person moving to the final round. I made sure both the winners moved to the final round. I just wanted to see these two self-respecting comedians joke-off over a dollar. I could have gotten some quarters and made change, but I didn't want to! That was a douche move on my part!

After each of their jokes, I said by round of applause, who wants "Gordon Smuckerjam..." there was a huge applause. "...to take one dollar less?" I flipped it on them! Suckers! They wanted to clap to give Gordon the dollar but instead they clapped to make him not get the dollar! Dummies! Then, Then I did the same thing to Tony! "Who wants Tony Scotown..." not as big of an applause "...to take one dollar less?" They both won, but Gordon got $23 and Tony got $22. They both moved on to the finals, held on October 25.

Then, I announced the loser. The loser ended up with negative 13 votes. That is a lower score than the previous loser, Cougar Carol. Mark Falconer is the new low-score record-holder! He got boot-camped into the finals! Sweet! For his prize, Mark won all the tickets we did not sell to this event. They were dated September 27 so they are currently worthless. Then, as per my instructions, the crowd yelled at Mark "Nobody Likes You!" That part is my favorite.

Well, next week, we have a killer lineup and a great headliner, Gretchen Hess. Don't come.

Bye! I'm Jake!