Hi! I'm Jake!
I am doing 3 contests this year, the Seattle International Comedy Competition, The Boston Comedy Festival, and the 1st round of the Laughing Skull Comedy Competition. It's an honor that all these contests selected me. It means I was able to pay a lot of entry fees. I feel good.
Tonight was the first night of the Seattle Comedy Competition. 16 of us contestants performed at The Vera Project, an artsy black box theater near Seattle's famous Space Needle.
I have been looking forward to this contest for several months now. So, I did a lot to prepare for my set:
First off, I ate right. I had ribs, oatmeal, an avocado, and a tapioca dessert. In other words, I had greasy meat, laxative cereal , greasy fruit, and a bubbly non-food. Healthy.
Secondly, even though I was was running late getting to the show, I stopped off at the the Bartell Drugs drug store. To make sure I stuck to my time, I bought their cheapest stopwatch, $11.45. As we were driving off, I realized the reason it was the cheapest watch is it only had 2 functions: telling time, and setting the time. It wasn't a stopwatch! Who makes a watch that isn't a stopwatch? How much money are they saving at the non-stopwatch factory?
Thirdly, I did some yoga backstage. Yoga is good for 2 things: feeling limber, and feeling self-conscious in front of the other competitors. Check out my cobra, jokesters!
Lastly, but not leastly, I made sure I had good breath. Yep. That's important. Unfortunately, I forgot I had my gum in my mouth until I got onstage. I tried to be sneaky about swallowing it. By the way, when I say I tried to be sneaky, I mean I swallowed my gum right before a punchline. This screwed up my timing. Gum screwed up my joke!
Moreover, I couldn't completely swallow the gum right away. It took a couple seconds. Consequently, I CHOKED! I am not using choked in the figurative "I did not do well" kind of choked. I'm saying I literally "I cannot breathe" choked! Involuntary body spasms + my horrified face = awkward! My friend Susan says "Nobody can beat you but you." She forgot about gum! Gum can beat me!
A bunch of other funny comedians went up. Eventually the show ended. Then I left. Then I returned that piece of crap non-stopwatch. Now I am eating some more ribs. I told you the important parts of this story. Don't complain.
Bye! I'm Jake!