Fire Sale

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Hi!  I am also broke, totally broke. Consequently, I am taking drastic measures.

  • This year, I spent a bunch of money on comedy festivals.  I spent $150 in submission fees to get into those festivals and about $1599 in gas, flights, and lodging.
  • This year, I spent nearly $1000 for NACA submissions and fees.  My goal is to get a ton more college work next year.  Fortunately, I was accepted into both the NACA South and NACA Central   regional showcases. I am super excited about that.
  • I spent way too much on gun and ammo purchases.  2012 is coming.  Gotta stock up. All those Mayan zombies are coming back from their Apocalypto pyramid graves to show us their calendar and why it is accurate.
  • I am bad with money.
  • I keep booking myself at all 4 corners of the map and gas prices are astronomical.
  • Believe it or not, I have taken a few gigs where I got underpaid.  I never use low money as an excuse to cancel work, but I probably shouldn't accept gigs like that to begin with.  Travel is a profitability killer.  You can't travel to places that don't pay well. That's just bad strategy.
  • My roommate moved out in July so I got a new roommate, a ninja, who still owes me a ton of rent money. Ninjas are sneaky and hard to collect from.

I have a tooth that is all jacked up in the back of my mouth and I can't afford to fix it.  My tooth is broke.  So am I.  I am my tooth.  Everytime I eat, my mouth hurts until I floss any debris out of the gap between my 2 back tooth.   You'd be surprised how bad a chunk of meat can hurt you!

I have been wearing the same set of contacts pretty much 24/7 for 6 months.  You should see the eye snot I am pulling out of my head!  Each glob looks like a headless slug! My eyeballs are pissed off like a ferret.  I need new contacts super bad, but you can't just buy contacts, first you have to go to the eye doctor.  Even though my eyeballs haven't changed in years, the system says I have to get an annual exam first because contacts require a prescription.  Why? I know my prescription.  Why do I need to pay some white-jacketed fancy pants $150 to validate it? It's not like I'm buying abusable prescription drugs. I am not going to OD on my contacts or black market them to some skeevy hoodlums at Civic Center Park.

I have been giving rides to strangers. The way Craigslist Rideshare works is strangers pay you gas money to ride with you. So far, I have had strangers ride with me from Seattle to Spokane, Seattle to Denver, Denver to Wichita, Kansas City, MO to Asheville, NC, and Asheville, NC to Kansas, MO. This has worked out well. I've had a lot of good conversation and I have saved over $300. Also, it has been actually been very entertaining.  One of my passengers was a trucker. Because I drive so much and because he was a trucker, we went 4 hours between bathroom breaks.  That's like 10 years to a woman!  Anyway, I know safety is a concern when you drive a stranger across several state lines, but so far, I haven't been murdered.  

Speaking of women, my moneylessness affects me on a personal level. I really want to see a certain special lady but she lives on the other side of the country and I don't currently have the gas money to get to her.  Working on it, though, tasty lips!
I occasionally get a little depressed too because I have been ensconced in debt since 2001.  I bought all the possessions I have at a time when I assumed I'd be able to pay my debt off super-quick. The debt-free day has yet to come. every time I get close to being at least credit card debt free, something like my tooth or medical bills or a car accident happens. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! You said it Michael Corleone! 

In October, I am moving to Austin.  Every moving company I talked to said the move from Denver to Austin would cost me $1,000. No. Forget it.  The last thing I am going to do is pay another grand to move all the stuff I couldn't afford to begin with! I already bought my possessions once. I am not paying for them again. Instead of letting my move be another thing that pushes me farther into debt, I am selling all my stuff on Craigslist. Who knows? Maybe my Craigslist sales will make me $1000. Probably not. Regardless, I am getting rid of everything- and not making any more major purchases until I am free, clear, and in the black.

Here are a few things I put on Craigslist.  If you live in Denver, and you want some used thingies, click on the Craigslist ad links below and buy them (while supplies last).  Or, if you just want to see how I write silly ads, feel free to peruse.
Bye!  I'm Jake!

P.S. I also have a new podcast called The Battery.  Check it out on iTunes by clicking here.
P.P.S. The Battery podcast is free.
P.P.P.S. If you have any jokes you think I should write into my Craigslist ads, please comment on this blog and I will try to work them into the ads.