Father's Day is coming up quick. In fact, it's tomorrow. And you forgot to get him a present! That sucks. He has sacrificed so much for you. For example, you never experienced having to watch your childbirth. Gross! It was just awful. It looked like popping a giant zit- but with more blood and yelling.
Assuming your dad stuck around to raise you, you owe him. So get him a present quick!
Assuming your dad stuck around to raise you, you owe him. So get him a present quick!
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| Happy Father's Day! Print out this card and give it to your dad! |
If you have five minutes to break away from all your selfish activities, below are 5 Cheap Father's Day Presents to Honor Your Dad:
1. Caltrops
Your dad is old. Chances are by this stage in life he hates at least one person bad enough to ruin their tires. Help him get revenges so he can impress your mom!
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| Caltrops: the perfect Father's Day present! Only $7.99 on Amazon! |
2. Propane Torch with Push Button Igniter
Dads get all kinds of great Fathers Day presents like ties, and soap on a rope, whistles, and pictures of his dumb grandkids. Get him a blow torch so he can burn all that cheap crap!
Dear dads: it is okay to burn crappy presents- cause you're the dad and you said so. That's why.
Dear dads: it is okay to burn crappy presents- cause you're the dad and you said so. That's why.
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| Blowtorch: the perfect Father's Day Present! Only $31.99 at Harbor Freight! |
3. Rubie's Costume 2nd Skin Zentai Supersuit Costume
This is a full-body, green suit. Assuming your father can tuck his dad-bod fat flabs into the suit, he can do some green screen magic! Make a Youtube video! Sex stuff with your mom! Impress her friends!
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| Full-body green suit: the perfect Father's Day present! Only $19.58 on Amazon! Not bad for sex stuff! |
4. Shut Up Bitch. I'm a Unicorn T-shirt
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| "Shut Up Bitch, I'm A Unicorn" t-shirt: the perfect Father's Day present! On Amazon for only $13.99! |
NOTE: don't wear this shirt around your mom. She will turn it into rags and use them to wipe up kid or pet vomit.
5. Candy Cigarettes- Box of 24 Packs
But don't just buy him one pack of candy cigarettes; get him twenty-four packs of candy cigarettes. That's approximately five cartons of candy cigarettes, or enough for every man woman and child at the family reunion. That's what cigarettes and candy do: they bring families together (sometimes to the hospital).
Cool. I'm assuming by the time you read this entry, you have now purchased the perfect present for your dad. No need to thank me for the gift idea suggestions. The smile on all the faces of all the dads in the world is thanks enough for me. |
| A 24 pack of candy cigarettes: The perfect Father's Day Present! Only $6.59 at oldtimecandy.com! |
Summary:
The one thing that sucks is you are getting your dad a present the day before Father's Day. Unless Amazon is next door to your dad's house, his presents are going to be late. Nice work!
Bye! I'm Jake!
