Floppy Celery

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Celery is nutritious.  It has no carbs. In fact, eating celery burns calories.  Celery also has a bunch of fiber- so if you are constipated, eat celery and blast your troubles out your grunter!

Celery can be delicious.  Ever since I was a small, poor child, one of my top 52 snacks is crunchy peanut butter spread across a celery stalk.  I recently found pimento cheese pairs well with celery as well.

Celery is crisp.  Yep.  It's crisp.  I like that.

If you run out of peanut butter or pimento cheese to spread on your celery stalk, you're left with a "vegetable" that is less flavorful than paper!

I bought some celery two days ago.  After sitting in the refrigerator for only two days, my celery is floppy, sloppy, and limp. It's limper than a wet noodle- or a baby leg with no bones! Come on, celery!  Here I am telling people how delicious and crisp you are AND YOU'RE NOT CRISP OR DELICIOUS! You're making me look like a liar!

Don't tell people how crisp it is because you'll soon be a liar.  Don't eat liar foods! That's worse than eating unhealthy foods.  The 10 Commandments don't say anything about eating unhealthy food, but they do say "Thou Shall Not Lie."

Lastly, it's a celery "stalk."  If you ad an "ing" to that "stalk," you have "stalking."  You have a crime.

Celery is garbage.  Feed it to the homeless.

Bye!  I'm Jake!